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No You’re Not A Guy’s Girl, You’re Just A Bitch

I’ve noticed a ton of blogs out there defending and explaining the “guy’s girl”, these are all of course from self-proclaimed “guys’ girls”. When I hear a female call herself a “guy’s girl”, I basically run the other way with my arms flailing above my head. In classic ‘run there’s an ax murderer chasing me’ posture. Usually the women saying this are actually quite passively aggressively mean and spiteful, with their back-handed compliments and superior attitudes and this is just another subversive way of being hateful towards other women. The old blame game at its finest. Believe me I know that there are women you don’t like and don’t get along with. That’s normal. Women ARE bitches (men are dicks, whateves), but certainly you can find some bitch that your inner bitch responds to? I have three best friends and then a bit wider group of 3 or 4 more close friends, plus the girls I still talk to in the city I grew up in. I’m not bragging about how many friends I have, but let’s break it down. You have come in contact with thousands of women in your life through childhood, school, work, marriage, kids etc. If you can’t come up with a few with whom you have real connection, you need to have a Come-to-Jesus moment that it may be you who has issues.

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If you’re the kind of girl who says “girls don’t like me, I prefer to hang out with guys because there’s no drama”. Maybe you just prefer to use your sexuality rather than your heart and mind to make connections with people; maybe you are the drama, sweetie pie. You know, the girl who has to be the center of attention, always. If she does have girlfriends she picks ones that she can ‘one up’ in every way, or they’re a strategic friendship to gain something. All of my friends are beautiful, funny and know how to own a room in their own way. I love women with big personalities, hearts and minds. They all love attention, but none are attention whores. They have no need to be the only snowflake in a rainstorm. I actually like a real bitch, she takes no shit and knows what she wants, I find that incredibly attractive. The same characteristic in a man,,, is called being a man…

In all honesty I used to say it myself when I was younger (like 19!) and still figuring myself out. “I hang out with guys, girls are such bitches”. Hearing that come out of my mouth, the irony was, at that time, lost on me. However, that in itself is actually a pretty bitchy thing to say, no??? And that’s when it clicked. Saying that doesn’t sound cool, it sounds like I’m an asshole, it’s actually a bit misogynistic. And then I heard other women say it and thought- so you don’t like me or other women, well good on ya, I’ll keep it moving then.  I decided then that I wanted to be a “girl’s girl”, the kind of woman other women want to be friends with and want to be around, the kind other women can trust and relate to. I realized how cool that is.

The Universe has brought me to all of the women in my life. It was love at first sight with the BFF. Literally. My husband had been trying to set us up on a date, but I didn’t trust his intuition after some previous disasters. Then we had a party; she came with her husband and across a crowded room, our eyes met. The moment we were introduced, we both knew and have been inseparable ever since. Ten years later, the rest is history. We bought houses 2 blocks from each other and that wasn’t good enough, so we bought acre lots next door to each other and that is where we are, forever; in each other’s faces and business every day. People often say to me, “how can you stand to be that close, what if you fight?” Well,,, guess what- we DO fight, but like I tell people, “what do you think I do when I fight with my husband?” This relationship is for life, YO! Then there is my “big sister”, I chose her. I watched her from a far for awhile and knew she was for me, once I decided, it was done. I typically get what I set my mind on having.  Fortuitously, she was flattered to be chosen and courted, to be sought after by another woman. Then something happened that cemented the friendship and I believe opened her eyes up to what a real female friendship should be about. Not long after we became friends, someone had the audacity, the nerve to talk foul about her in front of me.  I hold loyalty high above all other qualities in a friendship; I give it completely and expect it in return. I defended her and publicly shamed those talking badly. I don’t give a crap if you talk about us, I know people do (we talk about you too) just don’t be disrespectful enough to do it where I can hear you.

The women in your lives will be your rock in many instances, as close and as deep as a husband, but very different. You will never get from a man what a woman can give. I have had my best friend hold me in her arms while I cried from my soul for my dog who passed away. My husband couldn’t give me that, he felt bad and sad too, but he didn’t “know”. Most men do not show emotions as expressively as we do. And if your best guy friend is holding you like that, I guarantee he is imagining you naked with your boob in his mouth. My husband will pet my head when I put it in his lap, but he’s still hoping for a happy ending. When I do it to the BFF, she is just thinking “Oh her face is pretty, let me pet her pretty face!” Now guys, stop being pervs and picturing us naked having a pillow fight, that only happens when you are watching porn.

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You can also never have the same escapades and hijinx with a dude. You won’t get dressed up and go out and giggle drunky in a stall peeing together, or make fun of other bitches’ poor choice of front pleated pants. You’re not going to be able to complain about your cramps, borrow a tampon or check to make sure that weird bump on your lady parts is just an ingrown hair with a dude. Just like a group of guys isn’t gonna want you watching football with them while they burp, scratch, fart and rank who has the best tits out all the girls they know. Oh I know some girl out there will argue she does do that, but you aren’t really part of that club, you can’t write your name in the snow with your man stick.

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Don’t get me wrong I have guy friends. I had more before I got married and the remaining closest are from that previous time. I have a best guy friend I have had most of my life. However, I don’t categorize myself as a guy’s girl, it’s not how I define myself. And once you are in a committed relationship, your significant other really should be your best guy friend and if another has that spot, you should be worried for your relationship. I mean, be honest; do you want your significant other having a female that he considers a better and closer friend than you? Someone else with a vagina that he would rather confide in, that he wants to hang out with more than, or even just as much as you? Unless she is cross-eyed and 500 pounds with halitosis, don’t lie – that shit would fuck with your head and it should.

So for all you guys’ girls out there, here is an internet hug, from a woman. We are your people. Find your tribe and love them hard and you will never regret it. You will not be 80 years old sitting on the front porch with a man who is not your husband talking about the glory days, unless you are a fag hag with a gaggle of gay friends and in that case I am totes jealy of you, lucky bitch. And remember this – If you don’t like women, then you don’t like yourself…

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Armenian Ass Induced Mass Hysteria

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I read this article on The Grio last week and although, yes, it’s well written and I quite clearly understand everything the author is saying, I also thought, so what? None of this is new and why are we now making Kim K’s ass about race? I mean honestly there are enough legitimate race-related issues out there, but Kim K’s ass?  Seriously?  There have been white people who have sexualized, to the point of fetishism, blacks, Asians, Hispanics and so on since forever.  And guess WHAT??? It’s been going both ways just as long! There have always been people of color who have been sexually attracted to Caucasian people, too.  Let’s look at a line from that remarkably well written song by Kim K’s own husband, Kanye West’s Gold Digga “But when you get on he leave your ass for a white girl”. Then, the fact that the author also criticized Kim for admitting that until she gave birth to a black child, she “never even gave much thought to race” or what it means to be a person of color in this world irks me.  First of all, let’s not pretend we think Kim thinks of much at all to begin with, but I do wish everyone would stop thinking in terms of color. Obviously she has no negative thoughts about it as she is happily in a biracial relationship.  So why do you care?  Let’s all collectively MOVE ON!

There will always be people who sexualize and abuse and discriminate.  Just like there are always going to be celebrities showing their butts and boobs to capitalize on our sexual desires.  It really is just human nature.  We are wired to have sex and there will always be humans whose sexual proclivities lean toward lasciviousness. Let’s focus on the really important thing about this photo shoot – She really dodged a bullet, she didn’t fall on that champagne glass and pop her ass.

Others are passing judgment on her nudity. Frankly who cares if she shows her butt? I’ve seen Kim’s ass more than I have seen my own. What celebrity doesn’t have nudie pics out there somewhere at this point? BORING!  There was a celebrity Tweet chastising her by reminding her (in case she forgot) that she is A MOM.  If we all stopped wrapping nudity up in conflicting feelings of shame and arrogance, pleasure and pain, morality and lust maybe people wouldn’t get so twisted about it. Animals all walk around naked, we were born naked, and oh yes, people mostly like to get naked to have sex. Personally, I like to clean the house naked, but eh, that’s another story.

I am not saying that as a mom, I am going to go out and flaunt my derriere (you should be so lucky) on camera, but my job isn’t to make money by showing my bum.  Basically, that is Kim K’s job. BUT let me be clear, if someone wanted to pay me a million dollars to slather on some baby oil, step into a black trash bag (that is what she has on, right?) and show my rump, I would do it. Call me a whore if you want. Furthermore, if someone would pay MY mom even $100,000, I’d be helping her unbutton her drawers faster than you could say “I like big butts and I cannot lie”! And she’s a grandma – oh, the disgrace!!

Apparently the Kimster also did a full frontal in this shoot and I am a bit scared to see it. I have heard a rumor that when she had her bum injected with fat she also had to do her lips, for balance sake -I’m not sure which set of lips they mean…

Kim accomplished what she set out to do. Have everyone looking at and talking about her ass. It’s not the first time, nor will it be the last. By the way, Kimmy said she did not say she was setting out to “break the internet”, she said “damn, my big ass broke my fishnets”. She’s always being misquoted.