Month: March 2014

Why Politicians Will Get You Bit By A Zombie

The Zombies are coming! The Zombies are coming!  When The Zombie Apocalypse happens we will have to band together in small clusters of strong, smart people who possess crucial skills that facilitate group survival. We’ll call these Anti-Zombie Teams or AZT’s. Now, when I say Zombies, I mean real ones – humans that have been infected by a virus engineered by Government Scientists in their top secret, hush-hush underground laboratories (the ones politicians swear don’t exist.) The labs that are located right next to the NSA clandestine eavesdropping rooms.

Zombies can’t think or see; they find their food by following human scent and loud noises.  Politicians stink and Lord knows they never shut up.  Duh, politicians will be easy prey.

Politicians have a plethora of self-preservation skills, but no group survivals skills. Given that they would let a Zombie gnaw their own mum’s bum for a vote, certainly your arse isn’t far behind. So you better not have one on your AZT, unless you want to get bit!  The ludicrous things these politicians say and do could be comic relief, except they are the ones laughing all the way to the bank with their fatcat paychecks, pensions and benefits.  What we have is good enough for us, but what we have isn’t good enough for them.  And every day they take another bite out of our paychecks, OUCH!

When the Zombies are drooling on your porch and pawing at your front door, don’t expect disaster relief from the politicians.  The President will be immediately whisked away to his super secret hidey-hole bunker while We The People will have to sit tight and wait for the data, stats, polls, pie charts and graphs to be analyzed by Government “experts” before they will  even consider the existence of Zombies.  Before announcing a Zombie pandemic, they will run tests on us (without our knowledge or consent) and after, will force ineffective vaccines on us so their pharmaceutical cronies get their bite too.

If it’s a politician on the Left they will undoubtedly want to recruit the Zombies for their AZT, since they have (allegedly) used dead people, or at least their names, in the past.  Furthermore, anyone on the Left will want us to fight for those too lazy to fight for themselves. You know, “strength redistribution”…

A politician from the Right will probably want to check your bank account and pedigree prior to offering their support to your AZT.  And for all of you on a military AZT, follow the don’t ask, don’t tell policy or face expulsion.

To put it bluntly, the Left wants a handout from our pockets while the Right wants to line their own pockets.

If you get stuck with Congressman Joe Salazar (D) on your AZT, he will want you to use a whistle, not a gun, to fight off the Zombies.  According to him, whistles are a safer way for women to protect themselves from a rapist than guns are. Women are too dumb and easily given to neurotic fits of panic to safely handle such powerful weapons. He concluded that we may erroneously shoot people not trying to rape us, because it is so easy to confuse a normal man’s behavior with some maniac trying to rip your clothes off.  Following his logic, we will certainly over-react and mistake an uninfected person for a Zombie in our agitated state. I guess he will want you to blow the whistle really loudly in the Zombies ear to scare it away. Thanks Congressman Salazar, how about you take your whistle and figure out a new way to blow it.

Representative Todd Akin (R) will want proof that it was a legitimate Zombie bite.  Given that women who are legitimately raped don’t get pregnant since their bodies prevent them from doing so. Therefore if you are legitimately attacked by a Zombie, your body will protect you from infection. The rest of us must be Zombie Groupies that are asking for it, flaunting our flesh in short skirts and what not. Let’s put him in a dark alley with a 250 pound Zombie named Bubba and see what legitimately happens.                                                                                                                                                                  **The point of this paragraph has nothing to do with being pro or anti abortion. Whichever you are, there is no denying that this insensitive and deeply hurtful statement discounted the horrific experience of every rape victim/survivor. **

We’re on our own to implement successful escape plans. Based on the fiasco in Atlanta, due to the massive early release of workers triggered by the impending ice storm, we know Government certainly won’t be able to execute an effective evacuation. They’ll have us all stuck in a traffic jam, a virtual cafeteria style lunch line for ravenous Zombies.

Be it the Right or the Left, it’s more than probable that they too are a fiendish perversion of humanity; one we need equally to battle against, the sex fiend.  If history is any indication, I’m sure they will try to boink every damsel in distress and fornicate with anyone that still has a pulse. Let’s reminisce about Former President Clinton (D) and the cigar debacle. He seemed to be confused about what hole cigars go in.  Or, Congressman Anthony Weiner (D), aptly named since rumor has it his wiener does all the thinking (and texting) for him.  Let’s not forget Senator Larry Craig (R), caught trying to solicit a blow job from an undercover cop in an airport bathroom; apparently he wanted his “mind” blown.  Ironic since he was voting for states to have the right to refuse to recognize gay marriage.

Furthermore, we need to worry if any of them will be sober enough to fight.  With all the excessive drinking, crack smoking, pot smoking and pill popping that seems to transpire up on The Hill.  Many people are moving towards an acceptance of marijuana use (TAX PROFIT!), BUT when we are trying to fight off hordes of the undead we can’t be worried about Cheetos and South Park.

What I find hilarious, whilst also alarming, is that people only seem to mind corruption when it is on the other side of the aisle. When it is in their favored party, they are more than willing to make justifications for the blatant fraud, hateful rhetoric, and constant lies that seem to fall from their forked tongues like raindrops from a thick Seattle sky.

Frankly, I am far less afraid of The Walking Dead, than I am of the halfwits running this country.

Obviously, I made a joke of this whole issue because that’s how I deal with scary shit, I make jokes.  I would love to hear what your thoughts and solutions would be to a Government plagued with corruption and lies. (Is there any Government that isn’t?)  I think a good start would be that every politician should have one six-year term.  You come, you do some work, and then you GO!