Rants

I Am Not A Sexist, But I Like Being Sexy

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I got a shit load of comments on my blog The Pussification of America. They were all over the map from being complimentary and in agreement, to accusing me of all manner of personal offenses. I may be a wee bitty twisted, but the ones that really tickle my fancy are those from people who have lost their common sense and sense of humor, and have gotten their panties so far up their ass they require surgical removal.  Of those I found particularly giggle-worthy were women calling me sexist, saying my title was misogynistic for using the word Pussification. It got me thinking over this whole topic, sexism, and women chastising other women for the rather inconsequential behaviors they deem “sexist”. Who made them the Ché Guevara of Women’s Liberation?

Am I misogynistic? AbsoFUCKINGlutely NOT! I am the complete opposite. I LOVE strong women. I like them bossy, bitchy, fickle and pickled; with big personalities and even bigger boobs. And I like women with smart mouths and smart minds. Furthermore, I love sexy women and I love being sexy myself. I already know by saying this people are going to get all butt-hurt and cross-eyed, and say I am perpetrating antiquated roles for men and women.  I. Am. Not.  I am just talking about what I LIKE. You do not have to like it or agree.

Am I sexist?? Maybe according to some crunchy woman who wants me to wear Birkenstocks, grow my arm pit hair, give up my mani-pedis/facials and shout from the tallest building that “I don’t need no man!” But really? Me? Sexist? Seriously? No. By definition being sexist means you believe one gender to be inferior to another. Just because I entertain some stereotypes, does not mean I think women are weak. I think sexy is the new strong and I find it empowering. I don’t need to wear the pants. I like wearing the skirt (the shorter the better) and the high heels too. I enjoy when men AND women notice me. I work hard to keep in shape and be attractive. Why does it bother some women if I take pleasure in this? Is it because they aren’t comfortable being sexy themselves or is it because they believe my being sexy makes women less credible? Dressing sexy does not a whore make you. I just feel comfortable in my own skin and don’t follow the notion that the human body is something to be ashamed of or hidden. Now, yes, there are times when such dress would be inappropriate. Clearly, when I am at work or going to my child’s school, I dress professionally; but when I go out dancing or to dinner with my husband, I like to be pretty and I relish a little attention.

I also get annoyed when women try to push their definition of women’s liberation on others (or more specifically on me). There are many ways for women to be liberated. Why do they think it’s wrong that I enjoy being in a relationship where I do the “girly stuff” and he does the “manly stuff”? I like making my house beautiful, arranging flowers, lighting scented candles and cooking a great dinner for my man. I like making him feel like the King, because in turn he makes me feel like his Queen. Personally I don’t want to carry my own groceries or pull my own chair out at a restaurant. I don’t want to open my own car door. I like standing there reapplying my lip gloss while I wait for him to do it for me.

Obviously, there are men and women across the spectrum. Certainly a woman can be a good mechanic and a man can be a good housekeeper and there are many happy couples who are in same gender relationships and I whole heartedly support that too. BUT there are stereotypes for a reason, although it shouldn’t be wrong if you venture outside the box. If you don’t fit a preconceived notion, that is awesome, I love originality. But on the other hand, if you do conform to gender roles in your own life and relationships, that should be ok too. Essentially I like women in all shapes, sizes and personalities; the only requirement is to be FUN and not to rebuke other women for using the word Pussification.

The thing that actually physically classifies us as “women” is having a vagina; other than that, it is up to each individual how she wants to define herself. I’m not telling any other women how to be and in fact I appreciate and celebrate all women for being authentic to themselves. Own your femininity and if you do that by wearing camo pants and sporting a mullet then I high five you!

So, for me Pussification is just a funny word and I LIKE it. It doesn’t make me think of vaginas, it makes me giggle. Of course the word vagina makes me giggle too, but I digress. Pussification makes me think of whiners and it perfectly elucidated what I was trying to say… I LIKE funny words. I LIKE butt-burp and asshat and douchecanoe, too.

I am standing behind PUSSIFICATION and my flagrant sexist ways. I’m not easily offended and words don’t usually bother me, it’s the intent behind the words that holds the possibility of hurt feelings. Even then I usually can’t work up a good “give a shit”. I’m too busy sending boob pics to my husband…

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Why Politicians Will Get You Bit By A Zombie

The Zombies are coming! The Zombies are coming!  When The Zombie Apocalypse happens we will have to band together in small clusters of strong, smart people who possess crucial skills that facilitate group survival. We’ll call these Anti-Zombie Teams or AZT’s. Now, when I say Zombies, I mean real ones – humans that have been infected by a virus engineered by Government Scientists in their top secret, hush-hush underground laboratories (the ones politicians swear don’t exist.) The labs that are located right next to the NSA clandestine eavesdropping rooms.

Zombies can’t think or see; they find their food by following human scent and loud noises.  Politicians stink and Lord knows they never shut up.  Duh, politicians will be easy prey.

Politicians have a plethora of self-preservation skills, but no group survivals skills. Given that they would let a Zombie gnaw their own mum’s bum for a vote, certainly your arse isn’t far behind. So you better not have one on your AZT, unless you want to get bit!  The ludicrous things these politicians say and do could be comic relief, except they are the ones laughing all the way to the bank with their fatcat paychecks, pensions and benefits.  What we have is good enough for us, but what we have isn’t good enough for them.  And every day they take another bite out of our paychecks, OUCH!

When the Zombies are drooling on your porch and pawing at your front door, don’t expect disaster relief from the politicians.  The President will be immediately whisked away to his super secret hidey-hole bunker while We The People will have to sit tight and wait for the data, stats, polls, pie charts and graphs to be analyzed by Government “experts” before they will  even consider the existence of Zombies.  Before announcing a Zombie pandemic, they will run tests on us (without our knowledge or consent) and after, will force ineffective vaccines on us so their pharmaceutical cronies get their bite too.

If it’s a politician on the Left they will undoubtedly want to recruit the Zombies for their AZT, since they have (allegedly) used dead people, or at least their names, in the past.  Furthermore, anyone on the Left will want us to fight for those too lazy to fight for themselves. You know, “strength redistribution”…

A politician from the Right will probably want to check your bank account and pedigree prior to offering their support to your AZT.  And for all of you on a military AZT, follow the don’t ask, don’t tell policy or face expulsion.

To put it bluntly, the Left wants a handout from our pockets while the Right wants to line their own pockets.

If you get stuck with Congressman Joe Salazar (D) on your AZT, he will want you to use a whistle, not a gun, to fight off the Zombies.  According to him, whistles are a safer way for women to protect themselves from a rapist than guns are. Women are too dumb and easily given to neurotic fits of panic to safely handle such powerful weapons. He concluded that we may erroneously shoot people not trying to rape us, because it is so easy to confuse a normal man’s behavior with some maniac trying to rip your clothes off.  Following his logic, we will certainly over-react and mistake an uninfected person for a Zombie in our agitated state. I guess he will want you to blow the whistle really loudly in the Zombies ear to scare it away. Thanks Congressman Salazar, how about you take your whistle and figure out a new way to blow it.

Representative Todd Akin (R) will want proof that it was a legitimate Zombie bite.  Given that women who are legitimately raped don’t get pregnant since their bodies prevent them from doing so. Therefore if you are legitimately attacked by a Zombie, your body will protect you from infection. The rest of us must be Zombie Groupies that are asking for it, flaunting our flesh in short skirts and what not. Let’s put him in a dark alley with a 250 pound Zombie named Bubba and see what legitimately happens.                                                                                                                                                                  **The point of this paragraph has nothing to do with being pro or anti abortion. Whichever you are, there is no denying that this insensitive and deeply hurtful statement discounted the horrific experience of every rape victim/survivor. **

We’re on our own to implement successful escape plans. Based on the fiasco in Atlanta, due to the massive early release of workers triggered by the impending ice storm, we know Government certainly won’t be able to execute an effective evacuation. They’ll have us all stuck in a traffic jam, a virtual cafeteria style lunch line for ravenous Zombies.

Be it the Right or the Left, it’s more than probable that they too are a fiendish perversion of humanity; one we need equally to battle against, the sex fiend.  If history is any indication, I’m sure they will try to boink every damsel in distress and fornicate with anyone that still has a pulse. Let’s reminisce about Former President Clinton (D) and the cigar debacle. He seemed to be confused about what hole cigars go in.  Or, Congressman Anthony Weiner (D), aptly named since rumor has it his wiener does all the thinking (and texting) for him.  Let’s not forget Senator Larry Craig (R), caught trying to solicit a blow job from an undercover cop in an airport bathroom; apparently he wanted his “mind” blown.  Ironic since he was voting for states to have the right to refuse to recognize gay marriage.

Furthermore, we need to worry if any of them will be sober enough to fight.  With all the excessive drinking, crack smoking, pot smoking and pill popping that seems to transpire up on The Hill.  Many people are moving towards an acceptance of marijuana use (TAX PROFIT!), BUT when we are trying to fight off hordes of the undead we can’t be worried about Cheetos and South Park.

What I find hilarious, whilst also alarming, is that people only seem to mind corruption when it is on the other side of the aisle. When it is in their favored party, they are more than willing to make justifications for the blatant fraud, hateful rhetoric, and constant lies that seem to fall from their forked tongues like raindrops from a thick Seattle sky.

Frankly, I am far less afraid of The Walking Dead, than I am of the halfwits running this country.

Obviously, I made a joke of this whole issue because that’s how I deal with scary shit, I make jokes.  I would love to hear what your thoughts and solutions would be to a Government plagued with corruption and lies. (Is there any Government that isn’t?)  I think a good start would be that every politician should have one six-year term.  You come, you do some work, and then you GO!

The Pussification Of America

No one wants to do jack shit anymore.  We are raising a bunch of whiney jerky cry babies.  In fact many of us are whiney jerky cry babies.

Remember the days of ole when someone acted like an asshole and they got their butt kicked? You can’t do that now, because you will go to jail and then get sued.  Asshats have all the power.

Remember when you had to go to school even when it was cold out?  Not anymore.  I live in Texas and we had one day of ice and for the next week the city periodically shut down because it was a little wintery out.  I mean, it is WINTER, and shockingly enough it is going to get cold out.  School boards were so scared of getting bitched out (or sued; it is, after all, the American way) by parents, they were calling bad weather days for cold.  Just.  For.  COLD!   I may have seen one teeny tiny icicle, but there were not even two flakes of snow, not even one.  How about we just cancel school for all of January and February?  God forbid little Suzie gets chilly on her way from the warm bus to the warm school.  When I was a kid I had to walk barefoot in the sand both ways and I even got a SUNBURN!  Ok, ok, I grew up in San Diego, but you get the picture.

Remember when you actually had to win to get a trophy?  Not anymore.  The fact that my kid gets a participation award for just being on a team pisses me off.  Honestly, that’s not the message I want to send to our youth, or particularly, my son.   Just show up, you don’t even have to try.  I want my kid to know he has to kickass and be awesome. Be a badass!  In the grown-up world, they aren’t going to get promotions and raises just for showing up (unless they work for the Government).  Our kids will be expected to do shit, shit that counts.  Or they can just live in your basement forever and you can continue to do shit for them…

Remember when America led the industrialized world and made everybody’s shit?  Not anymore.  Now China makes all of our shit.  Wonder why?  They do shit over there, they’re willing to do shit. People here don’t want the shit jobs anymore.  The blue collar jobs.   The jobs that may break your back, but make you stand tall.  Everyone wants a cushy job with a nice office.  No one wants dirt under their nails.  No one wants to plunge a toilet; we’re all too good for that.  Listen, I live w/ two men, I plunge a toilet at least once a week and I clean them too.  Why?  Because if I don’t do the shit, the shit won’t get done.  Shit will be everywhere…

Remember when hard work was something to be proud of?  Not anymore.  Now everybody thinks it’s their right to have a job they love.  Another myth we’ve spoon fed our youth.   It’s called work for a reason.  NOT everybody gets to love what they do.  If you manage to have a job you love, you are very, very lucky.  It’s not your God-given right.

Remember Reading, Writing and Arithmetic?  When using a calculator was cheating?  Not anymore.  Jeeze, in school they don’t even need to learn to write, like with their hands, anymore.  Why waste time learning when a computer, calculator or Government can think for them?

Speaking of the Government, it owes me.  People with more money owe ME.  Everybody OWES ME!  ME.  ME.  ME!  Nobody owes ME jack shit.  I owe myself.  Pride, dignity, respect.  Go work for what you want.  I hear kids graduating from college complain that it’s the previous generations fault they can’t get jobs, we’ve ruined it for them.  NEWS FLASH:  There have been recessions and depressions and economic slowdowns since the beginning of time.  They aren’t the first to endure this.  There are jobs out there and shit that needs doing.  If you don’t like the way things are, get out there, work hard, and change shit!  Start a revolution!  (Oh shit! That’s hard work!)  Complaining- won’t change shit.

I’m not going to tell anyone how to parent.  Ok so maybe I am, a little bit.  BUT I think we can all agree that if we focus on loving our kids, teaching them good core values (you know, right from wrong, The Golden Rule and such silly things), and set real boundaries with real consequences (so life’s consequences don’t include you bailing them out of jail at 3am someday) it would be a good thing for them and for us.  I think we are so busy not wanting to spank or yell or traumatize our children that we have forgotten consequences are part of real life.  Not teaching that to our kids is doing them a disservice.  If time out is what you like, great use it. But how about not saying something like this: “Jimmy if you do such and such again I’m giving you a time out.” Then Jimmy does again. “I’m serious; don’t make me count to 10! One, two, three.  I’m serious… One, two, three…  Don’t make me say it again…  One, two, three”.   And he does it again and again and again because he knows you never will reach Ten and there is no consequence.  The only consequence is he has to listen to you practice your numbers over and over.

Couples therapy, psychotherapy, counseling.  Depression, anorexia, anger management.  The lists go on and on.   Psychological and emotional trauma is a luxury for us 1st world inhabitants.  Hunger, rape, war, genocide.  These are the troubles facing people in Ethiopia, Yemen and the slums of Mexico.  When you’re agonizing over having to sell your 8-year-old daughter into marriage so your other children won’t starve, you don’t have time to take stock of the booboos your parents inflicted upon you and point fingers at everyone else for the problems in your own life.  No time for therapy when you are praying the guerrilla war doesn’t bust through your mud-hut door.  They don’t give a shit if their kid gets a participation award at school; they just want their children to survive.

Being born in America is winning the birth lottery and if we don’t start appreciating it and being grateful, like fall on your knees and kiss the ground grateful. Like willing to work hard and do SHIT to keep our country great, then I guess we will get to see how the other half lives. Then we will really have shit to complain about.